03 August 2010

Kids...

It's interesting how much something can effect you when someone tells you you can't.  We always knew we wanted kids, we were just never sure when.  We wanted our financial situation just right or our house just right or have enough time off from work.  Mostly, we just wanted to have time to be married before the kids set in.  We were so excited by the first pregnancy and so very bitterly disappointed by the miscarriage.  The second pregnancy may have been worse, because we heard a heartbeat and miscarried 4 days later.  And 2 years later, we've got nothing.  After months of Clomid and taking my temperature every morning at 6:00 am, the doctor thinks it's not going to happen.  There's a small possibility of getting pregnant if we spend a lot of money we don't have on a fertility expert.  At this point, we've talked about adoption and need to get enrolled in the adoption classes with DHS, but we're both feeling pretty helpless.

The worse thing for us both is how very hard it is being surrounded by all of our friends, family and neighbors who have children.  We aren't resentful of them, just resentful of not being a part of it.  It is so hard for us to do something as simple as going to the park and seeing all of the families with their kids.  We both get so frustrated when we see someone with a herd of kids they don't even seem to like, never mind enjoy.  Even our closest friends and family have no idea the deep seated pain in causes for both of us.

Frankly, we don't talk about it except for an occasional private cry in bed late at night.  People don't know how to respond to it, don't know what to say.  That's okay, we don't know what to say either. Just do me a favor... remember that you never really know what is going on in someone's life, behind their closed door.  Just love them and support them and honor them the best you can.